So Today Is National Boyfriend Day!!

So I have seen all over social media today that it's national boyfriend day.  Well, I have a fiance does that count. He means the absolute world to me, even on days when I feel my worse.   Let me tell you what he is all about, he's a very kind a loving man to walk into a relationship almost seven years ago and take on a roll as a boyfriend but a father figure.  When getting with me, I am  a package deal, I had two small children at the time by previous relationships.  He didn't care, he came into this relationship with knowledge of these two kids and now almost seven years later you couldn't tell him they weren't his children.  He selflessly gets up for work everyday to provide for his family. We recently have been through a lot with me coming off pain medicine because I was once addicted but he loved me through it and love conquered all. I am thankful for this man, to love me to no end. He's a wonderful person and it would take me hours to tell you everything. 


Always remember when you have someone like Ken in your life, don't let it slip away because the love he shows me daily is rare. It's true love, we get on one anothers nerves but we fight for what is ours. That's each other.

I love you Kenneth Robert

Thank You for Loving me.

It Was Pretty Easy

My "recovery" was pretty easy, I went into this thinking I was going to be miserable and in all reality I haven't been.  The first week was slightly challenging because I decided to quit taking Ultram cold turkey and to prevent me from having withdrawal symptoms they put me on clonidine and buspar (for anxiety).  Three days of being a zombie we discovered the clonidine was trying to kill me. I already am on a strong blood pressure medicine on top of a medicine they use for withdrawal symptoms is also used for high blood pressure. So my blood pressure was bottoming out, made me sleepy.  I felt like a walking zombie.  Even after quitting the clonidine, I battled with a little bit of anxiety the first few weeks.  The second week into going cold turkey off of pain killers I had taken for over five years, my daughter left with my sister and her fiance to go on vacation 14 hours away from me. The following day after she left my fiance left to go visit family for the weekend. I was anxious and scared, my baby is gone 14 hours away from me and my fiance and I had a huge blow out not even a week prior.   I learned a lot that weekend he was gone. I learned its ok to spend time apart. I learned that I have to stop sweating the small things. I learned that we all have insecurities. Even men, they just don't show them like women do. 

However it's now been almost 2 months and I am doing great. I love that I am finally back to me. I love keeping my house clean now. I learned to live life again. That is something I am extremely proud of. 

Always remember someone who becomes addicted to something did make the choice to take the "drug", mine were given to me by a doctor.  Others get addicted to street drugs. But before judging someone who becomes what people view as an addict. That yes they chose to take it but they didn't chose to become an addict.  Before judging as well remember it can happen to anyone at any given time.  

That's pretty much all I have for an update. 

Enjoy!!!

Diedra

Healing Takes Time

I wrote a blog post but never published it, fear I'd be judged more than I am today. 

Therefore, I haven't fallen asleep yet and felt the need to update.

On August 24th, I decided to make a change. I for almost 5 years took pain killers to suppress pain in my jaw because I have TMJ. However, two years ago, my  pain became more but invisible to the public eye. I have osteoporosis in my left hip, nerve damage in my left leg, and degenerative disc disease. I came in contact with a pain specialist who up my pain meds by 120 a month.  I became addicted. I wanted more.  But I was taking them for the wrong reasons. I was hiding emotional pain. That emotional pain became unbearable in April 2018 when my dad got sick.  I would take more to numb feeling anything.   I started having seizures well two to be exact.  That left me unresponsive. I miscarried a baby three days after my 33rd birthday.  My life was spiraling out of control, and I was losing everyone around me that cared. I didn't feel good enough, I didnt care if I got out of bed. I didn't care who I was hurting.  The pain medicine done nothing but tried to kill me and turned me into someone I never said I'd be.  I was losing the man I have loved now for almost 7 years. I hit rock bottom I became a person I hated to look at In a mirror. I hated me.

It's now almost a month but it seems so much longer.   I'm healing from emotional pain I can't change because I have no control over.  My relationship is improving with Ken, my kids, my family, and my friends. I've gotten back to who I once was. I don't crave the pain medicine. I've actually have been in less pain than I was on pain medicine.   I haven't been on anxiety medicine for now three days. I'm doing great. I haven't been this happy in a long time. 

It took me hitting rock bottom to realize that wasn't my life.  Now,  I have paid for it. Because through this healing process we've learned that the pain meds have caused damaged to my heart in a way of its taken almost a month to get my blood pressure regulated.  Which is a scaring thing because my BP was getting so high, I was in stroke level.

I have learned to love soberly again. I have learned that it's ok to be sad, mad, angry, or emotional. That I am human and everyone has a bad day.  I've also learned that it's ok to hurt for others and show empathy but to understand that it isn't my problem to dwell on. I've also learned it's ok to say no.

I've learned that I'd never willing invite a thief into my home. Therefore, I've no longer am allowing thoughts to steal my joy and make permanent residency in my mind.

I want to thank those who took time out to read this, who have sent encouraging words, and who have been there.  I want to thank the good Lord for sparing my life, and helping me threw this because without him I wouldn't have made it this far. As well as for Ken, he's my biggest support. Through this he never stopped loving me and caring that I'd wake up and get off them to make things right.

Before I go I want to apologize to Ken,  because through this all love conquered all, I done this for myself because the love this man has given finally showed me I am good enough to be loved and to be alive for our kids, our families, and friends.

Sincerely

Diedra

A Wonderful Day 7*20*2018

Today has been one absolutely great day but this momma is wore out.  My daughter got to spend the day with her boyfriend. Which he such a sweetheart, he told Ryleigh that he took off from work in with his aunt this weekend so he could spend more time with his girlfriend. But they went to town shopping for shoes with him, his mother, and little brothers. During this time Brayden and just went to town to run some errands and he earned a BeyBlade Toy, which he earned it in a different way than you think. That last almost month he just wants to either sleep with us or in our bedroom floor eventually getting in bed with us. Last night I made a deal that if he could stay in his bed and in his room unless for a legit reason besides just wanting to get out of bed and get in bed with mommy and daddy that he could have a toy. But he earned it as well on Monday he was so good at the doctor. Granted he didn't feel good but with his Autism there are things he can't handle and at eh doctor office he becomes extremely over stimulated.  Before going on about our day let me state two things therefore I don't get hated on. Both my children know if they absolutely need mommy or daddy throughout the middle of the night, whether they are sick or just scared. That we do not shoo them away. With that being said number two is remembering we all raise our kids differently and if how I raise my kids is spoiling in your eyes, well so be it. Because as we spoil our children we are teaching our children about life and how to earn a dollar. Thank you, now I will stepped back down from my pedestal and finish our day. 

Brayden and I eventually got home around noon and it was like clockwork. Friends began knocking on the door wanting to play with Brayden. I really try not to complain because Brayden struggles with  socializing and well we have kids  the house almost everyday. Ryleigh eventually got home from her day date and then Cody her boyfriend came over for a bit. This was the first time that I actually really got to talk to him.
Anyways, I typed out a lot the other day to finish out this blog post and nothing saved. So I am just gonna end the day of July 20th, by saying Rys bf is a sweet respectful young boy. I hope they care enough about each other to make it last.

Now maybe this will save and publish this time, At least I hope so.

Diedra

An Invisible Disease

I will be 33 at the end of this month,July 31st, to be exact. I am a loving fiance of almost seven long years. I am a mother of two wonderful kids. But I bet if you had to guess it, you would have never guessed that I to am living with an invisible u diesase. I have osteoporosis of the left hip. Extreme nerve damage in my left leg. Degenerative Disc Disease, nerve damage, and two bulging disc in my lower part of my back/spine. I will give you some history to what has lead me to my official diagnosis over a year ago.

I know some people may know a little bit about  what's been going on with me the last well almost 10 years.   Starting with back story of what lead me to having an invisible disease. 

When I was pregnant with Brayden, my son and youngest,  while developing in the womb especially once he began getting bigger.  (Which he was only 6lbs 7oz if I can remember correctly. Its been almost 11 years since I was prego. So forgive me questioning his weight.) He favored my left hip area and my doctor at every visit would do what he could to get him to move over. Most of the time the baby would move causing such wonderful relief, but hours later Brayden would move back to his comfort spot. Ultimately the last six months being pregnant, losing key nutrients and with his pregnancy I lost a lot of weight, the pressure of him hugging that left hip are damaged my sciatica nerve which in the end damaged the nerves in my left leg.  Over the years even before kids and my first one I had at 20, suffered with back pain which everyone assumed it was caused by none other than I am a heavy chested lady, have been since the sixth grade and of course have always struggled weight wise. Nothing more was ever thought of because was told unless I had a breast reduction the pain would never go away. Knowing what I know now breast reduction or not the pain was gonna happen and get worse as I got older. But why,  Im young right?

After Brayden was born I started having extremely bad pains in my left hip area at 24 they assumed it was ovary issues causing the pain. Because I had a history of ovarian cyst. As well as within the last six months after his birth I was still considered just having a baby. The obgyn  treated me a few years for woman issues they assumed was causing the pain stopped going and to be honest can not remember exactly why besides what they were treating me for was ovarian cyst and they were gone but again its been some years. I had done really well up until the summer of 2014, that puts me almost the age of 29. I dealt with it even mentioned to my doctor considering I seen her every three months for a med refill.  I have an inactive thyroid, high blood pressure, and extremely bad allergies. Nothing then was ever done  Well fast forward to the summer of 2015 we were in St. Louis for Ryleigh annual eye appointment, that trip was a great trip besides the pain in my lower back and left hip like to killed me. My daughter or my mother had to tie my shoes for me because the pain was like a intense fire like intense pain all through my left leg and my spine and at a lot of our stops (we would make it a weekend trip or a few day trip to shop around) I would not go in the stores because by them walking became a chore. That very day on our way home I never will forget my  mother told me I either need to find out what was going on and to get help or she feared Id be paralyzed.

I did go to a doctor a month after my mom saying that to me. I was having a good day, wasn't in distress. Told the  doctor I had everything I had been told over the years. To this day I have never been back because the doctor looked at me and said you aren't even 30 and claim to be in pain. Well I've been a doctor many years and I am sure you just want a pain pill script.  It took me two years to that day to go back to a doctor and I only did because my mother told us we were gonna go eat pizza but first we will find out what is wrong with you. 

I did, and it was a great day to know what was going on with my body. That day I received a  cocktail shot of morphine and valium, I also took it in the arm. Burning and a big ol son of a bitch ouch. 

ADHD and Autism In Children

I have got to looking over some of our blog post and realized I am not sure if I have ever told y'all what Brayden's final diagnosis was, but then again I only looked at the titles. So this may be something you have seen already.

As you already know Brayden was diagnosed almost over a year ago for ADHD, however, he had an un-official diagnosis of Autism. Un-Official only because in the state of missouri and actual psychologist that works strictly in diagnosing Autism has to give him his actual diagnosis.

So, As of January 2017, three months of testing at a local Autistic center, Brayden was diagnosed with Autism. They no longer categorize children as low spectrum, aspergers, or high sprectrum. You are either on the spectrum or you aren't.  Bray's diagnosis was peculiar as the psychologist spoke. His autism only affects one aspect of his life. The only reason they did diagnos him with Autism.  Is the easiest way I can describe it is, he is socially awkard.

Since the diagnosis we have continued with his social therapy, waiting to be seen over the summer for OT. Things are finally falling in place, for him and I. Some things are still rocking with him ( I will get to that in a later post), but as some may know with seasonal depression and finding out your child is specially challenged as I call it. I took a really huge fall into the depression. (Another Post When I am Ready)

Thank You All for wandering how he's doing.

Right now he has a friend over, yes a friend. Watching TV.

Diedra

A 90 year, better bone health than me?

I haven't really had motivation to do much. I have been in so much pain with my back and sciatic nerve. That walking becomes a task at hand.  A few weeks ago, probably going close to a month now.  I cried for hours straight because I felt hopeless, helpless and just hurting. Tired of hurting. My mom decided to come get us to get out of the house and go eat. However, once she really seen how much pain I was in. She took me to a local ER. She said, " I am tired of seeing my daughter,  my baby hurting. Your kids are tired of seeing their mommy hurt."  I  will honestly say that I had the BEST treatment from a doctor and his nurse than I ever have from doctors.  Neither one of them made me feel like I was only there after pain pills like doctors before have. I have been told since I am only 31 years old that my body doesn't hurt like I say it does.  Let me rewind about 8 years. My son when in utero as he got bigger felt more comfortable on my left hip area. In return he laid on my sciatic nerve.  The OB did all he could do to get him to move but he always moved back. Then when having my C-section they had trouble with the spinal. 

       Now eight years later I am paying for it. I have gone years with back pain. It only getting worse over the years.  Finally that day the doctor done a cat scan. It told it all. I have a mass pushing against my left sciatic nerve, two herniated disc, and mild degenerative disc disease.  In which will only get worse over the years. The doctor told me he has seen 90 year old woman have better hips and backs than I do. Not only is a lot of the damage from my pregnancy and just wear and tear over the years. But  I am heavy chested.  Any woman knows after years of babies your boobies go down south. LOL

Love you All

Diedra