So Unfair

Life is so unfair, or shall I say death is unfair. Today was a normal Friday, woke up tired like usual due to not being able to sleep at night. Got the kids off to school and came home. Got on Facebook to see a very sad post made from a friend of mine. To discover her child, 19 years old had passed away this morning. I will not explain how because I don't know for sure. I will say it wasn't a murder or anything like that. Wanted to say that before continuing with my thoughts.

The passing of my dear friends child has rattled our community. We are all in shock, such a striving young lady with her whole life ahead of her. Why? Why her? My friends don't deserve to have to feel this heartache. They don't deserve to have to plan a funeral. No parent does.

But God why?

I continue to Pray, because that's what I was taught. And I do believe in power of prayer.

However, as an adult my faith is shaken, I won't deny my belief in Jesus Christ.  But its situations like this that make me question, why?
Why, If the Lord knows our future why put us through the heart break.  My heart literally has broken today like it has for our community and surrounding communities because that's the impact this precious baby has left but I can't even begin to imagine the heart ache my friends are feeling. For privacy reason I will not say their names but please if you read this and pray please lift this family up in your prayers.

Thank You!

The Occassionally Chaotic {heart-broken} Mom

Diedra

It Isn't Always Easy

Afternoons like today forever just leave a hole in my heart. Because my son has been acting out at school, this is the second time in less than a week. Yes as parents no matter his diagnosis we discipline him and he gets punished for his wrong doings. Today was no different he got punished for being disrespectful, which like the other day lead into an emotional roller coaster of all the emotions thrown together.  But both times after going through the emotions and telling every little lie he could to justify him being disresepctful the one thing that didn't change is how heartbroken, frustrated, and feeling like he is ready to give up and quit school in the 4th grade because in his words "He can't keep up, he's struggling!" He struggles in math and he knows it, in return the only emotion he knows how to express is frustration. He is seeing a counselor for play therapy. Which due to holidays and the doctor facility changing to a new provider scheduling has been messed up and he hasn't seen her since the end of november. I'll update ya more after Tuesday when we see his primary physician.  But its the hardest thing for me as a parent to see my child break down and hate school because of math.  It kills me.

If you are new an unaware my son is Autistic (only affects him socially) and ADHD which is why he struggles in math because a focusing issue.

Here are a few more post on Braydens diagnosis.

One
Two

With all that being said if you have ever dealt with a child who is Autistic and has ADHD then you will understand what I mean by overstimulated.  Due to being extremely overstimulated today, its nearly one in the morning even with his nightly dose of melatonin that was given roughly around 7 p.m. he just fell asleep a few minutes ago. But doesnt mean hes sound asleep he could get up 3 or 4 more times.

I will say I struggle with him and my other child, Ryleigh. I will being doing a update on her as well.

I want to add a disclaimer. I wouldn't trade this life with anyone. I love both my children for who they are and accept them for who they are. I also with or without a diagnosis will not tolerate them being disrespectful to adults. Because we struggle at home with the normal teenager/preteen disrespect. They get put in their place. I do have my opinions on certain situations and I do and have seen with my own eyes that children with disabilities get craddled and I have witness parents say my child can't help it they are autistic and they have ADHD.  Yes, I do understand a child who is fully on the spectrum does things differently.  But I also know in our experience you have to make them do things that sometimes they don't wanna do. Why? Because with or without a diagnosis they are still human.

Now Lord be with me that I get some restful sleep in the next 4 hours because I gotta be up to take my momma two to three hours away from home depending on traffic and if she closes her eyes so I can go three miles over the speed limit.

Goodnight y'all!!!
The Occassionally Chaotic Mom
Diedra

Don't Lose Sight Of What Matters Most

Scrolling through Facebook like I do every night before heading to bed. I come across a short cartoon "film" playing along with Ed Sherrans song, Perfect.  Which has not been the first one I've seen played to this song. Matter of fact the first one brought me to tears because the messaged I received was that you only get one mom and one dad, so to speak. I do understand some get bonus parents but its story was s child sent their mom a robot because they couldn't make it in. When the robot died, all they needed was batteries. At the end of that one the mother died and the robot tried to "change" her batteries but it doesn't work that way. One we die we are home to make the best of life.  Anyways, tonight was about to young kids starting out with small beverage stands. They compete so hard against each other for years with bigger and better stands. Before the end they lose sight to the true meaning of why they started the stands in the first place. Once they quit competing and working against each other and started working together they realized their together small little fruits and veggies stand was really what mattered the most.

It was a short cute film that even  when feeling down and out because you dont have what someone else has that it doesnt make you less of a person. To remember having the better and bigger things in life doesnt define your happiness.

I also feel this short film showed me to always stay humble and not let trying to be better than the next person cause you to lose sight of what matters most.

The Occasionally Chaotic Mom,

Diedra

Mental Illness

Mental illness disorders, yes there is a wide range of disorders that are labeled as a mental illness, but it affects your mood, the way you think, and your behavior. A lot of times people who suffer with a mental illness disorder doesn't notice it. It a lot of times are often seen by outsiders looking in.  Its not some sick disease you can catch from someone and it affects people differently than others.  What I am about to share is my struggles with mental illness along with my own opinion. My opinion alone may shock you.

As a teenager I was diagnosed simply with bipolar. Back then I wasn't medicated because mine was affected more by hormone change, I was young, and in all honesty was told suck it up. Which ultimately in the end helped me more than it harmed me.  After that it was never really spoke of. Until I had my daughter at 20 years old, and I suffered horribly with post partum depression until I was diagnosed by a psychologist as to having post partum blues. I had it almost a year and a half. It took anti-depressants and counseling to help see my way through a very dark hole. Mental Illness doesn't discriminate against anyone. Neither does, addiction (I have touched on that a little on my blog, but willing to open up more about it.) However, after my counseling and anti-depressants I became "normal" again but I would experience moments where I could feel sad but have no reason why. I had moments where I hated everything around me but no reason why.  I have moments, doesn't mean I am depressed all the time. Matter of fact, I have been diagnosed recently with Mild Manic Bipolar Depression due to environmental changes, it is controlled tho. I don't take medicine for it, I chose not to this time, because unlike some people I've learned how to cope with it. I know when it's coming on, I can feel it. I lose motivation to do anything, I lose the desire to want to get out of my house.  But with that being said. I will say that I suffer more with it in the winter time.  That's why it's due to environmental changes. It's because for example days like today where it's dreary, wet, cold, miserable outside. I become irritable, it's like come on mother nature I need some sun light.  But it doesn't affect me horribly until we start getting FRIGID temperatures, and we get tons of snow and ice. Where, I am from, that don't happen often but the years it does, it happens all winter long to the point I become trapped. I don't like feeling trapped.  That's where I get to wanting to feel something, I become manic. I want to get out. I want to do anything in my power to feel something. But just because I have this diagnosis doesn't mean I suffer everyday with it, some people do. I'm lucky enough I suffer rarely with my depression but I do suffer with general anxiety . 

I get anxious out of no where because nothing seems to be going as planned.  My biggest trigger tho, is my kids, there where abouts, if it's storming and making sure everything is in place in case something happens. It' sucks during times like that, but I make it through it. 

I do however feel like an oddball because I experience depression and mental illness differently than what you usually hear with those that suffer. 

Now, its time to get a few things done and get ready to go get my son from school later. 

The Occasionally Chaotic Mom

Diedra

Thunder In January!!

I'm being absolutely serious at this very moment it is lightening and thundering in good I'm southern Missouri in the middle of January.

1. The storm is either one that popped up out of no where and the weather channel wasn't expecting it. 

2. The weather channel was off by almost seven hours due to it wasn't suppose to have gotten any thunderstorm until 6 am.

3. Lastly the other option is this storm is moving way faster than expected and will be followed by the snow storm predicted coming early as well.

What's more alarming now more than ever is the storm came in very little and light. The minute I get up to check on my son who is terrified of storms we had a thunder hit and it was so loud that it sounded as if someone shot a gun. Needless to say my son has three blankets on him one being weighted and he's noise cancel ear phones.  But however, I do believe and pray its just passing through because your girl here don't like very angry thunderstorms. Such as the shuttle thundering and lightning was calming, relaxing, even making me sleepy. The angry lightning and thunder that has my son terrified now has my adrenaline pumping.

A. When weather turns out unexpected where you are from how do you handle it?
B.Does it affect your anxiety if you have anxiety in general?
C.Do you by chance have a child or children that are terrified of storms?

I will answer my own questions to you, because I feel as humans in general deal, cope, and handle things differently in unexpected situations but may have something that others can add in their loves to help them as well.

A. My answer to this probably in all situations help anyone because I really don't have a specific answer. The reason behind this is because I am from southeastern Missouri where all joking aside we can see or experience all four seasons in one week. Such as we are having a thunderstorm in the middle of January and the temperature will rise to almost 50 degrees by 4 a.m. with rain chances of 100% all day. However around I believe the last time I looked around 8 a.m. the temps will start dropping and it is suppose to start snowing by early afternoon. So pretty much for us I say 97% of the time we don't know how to handle unexpected weather because most of the time the weather people can't even tell you what to expect until it hits. During severe thunderstorms where its the angry adrenaline pumping storm we seriously wing it. Usually once the weather storm teams pick it up on radar they start giving us warnings as to how long before it hits.

2. Anxiety, usually my mental illness and I will touch more on this in another blog but I do have general anxiety, mild manic bipolar depressive disorder (I am saying mild due to although I experience the mania, mood changes, mine is more effected by winter weather and most times its controllable due to where we live. And I am no longer on prescription depression meds because over the years ive learned how to control it or learned triggers. Again more on that later)
But unless we start having tornado warnings for example the last two springs we have had a tornado hit just south where we live, like blocks from my house, and north a few miles from of us. Then usually I try and remain calm but still in mommy near mode.

3. Last but Not least, are my children terrified of storms? My son is autistic, you seriously tell a day or two when a storm is comimg because of his sudden mood changes. Like tonight hours before this unexpected storm hit he was extremely emotional. Weve been told by therapist and psychologist the barometric pressure mess with those who are autistic. But believe what terrifies him the most is due to he has never liked loud noises.  Now my daughter on the other hand she loves storms. They don't bother her to much. She gets that from her daddy (My fiance, Ken) .

Now its 11:30 PM and it the storm has right now  left behind its rain (lol) but for the most part the thunder is off in the distance and havent seem lightning in about eight minutes. There for think its safe to try and go to sleep.

Thanks for hanging around until the end, Goodnight My Friends.

The Occasionally Chaotic Mom,

Diedra

Being Positive In A Negative Atmosphere

No matter your new years plans, resolutions, goals, or even just things you strive to do better in as a spouse, parents, or a sibling. 

LETS FACE IT, all them things are great but you need to make sure to remind yourself that we all have bad days, sometimes bad weeks, and even sometimes it seems a bad month or year.

Yesterday, January 17th was a very trying, negative, and very lets be honest pissy day.  Day started normal as usual but some mornings with my so very loving and handsome son are extremely hard. I have spoke on him being Autistic and ADHD.  So, when he gets his mind on something particular such as yesterday morning a cartoon that he wanted to watch. His focus on getting ready or taking his medicine was out the window.  Once the TV was turned off, all hell broke loose. It was like a scene from Jurassic Park. Yes, alot of it was he wasn't getting his way, therefor he was getting in trouble. (Yes, I still discipline my child no matter what his diagnosis is.)  We don't live far from the school so we don't normally leave until about 15 to 10 mins before school starts.  Not only was my morning started out with piss poor rage.  That's when some of the positive thoughts started playing a role in the day, even though its a very negative situation.  I knew that my car was really low on gas, I knew I had enough to get him to school and run to the gas station. Well, my car has an oil leak that we just really haven't had the money to get fixed just yet, mainly because well it's the air flow sensor that's cracked I think that's leaking the oil. Or at least thats what we have been told. But to fix that on our car, the engine has to be completely moved. We have a friend that is going to fix it for 300 dollars, thats 800 dollars cheaper than putting it in the shop. Well, our friend had to have surgery is out of commission for a few months.  Now, back to yesterday, leaving my driveway and getting on the road to the school, my gas light started dinging and my car more less came to a complete stop. However, where we live on our block has another opening that goes down a hill. I was able to get down that hill and pick up enough speed to make it to my driveway. I seriously thought we were completley out of gas. I called Ken, he told me when he went on break in 20 minutes hed run home and get gas. Well, I noticed when I got to my driveway, my car alone never shut off, steering wheel never locked up like it does when it shuts off. It was because the car didn't have enough time to warm up before I took off out of the driveway in a raging fit. You are probably thinking by now, what is positive about your care breaking down. Well, Brayden and I had 30 minutes to sit in peace and quite and reflect on how the morning was. By time Ken got home to run him to school real fast, he got up and wouldn't leave until he hugged and kissed me goodbye.  But before the mishap with my car, my 9 year old couldn't stand me and told me he rather daddy pick him up from school because he was angry with me. 

There is always something to be positive about and look forward too. Although I will say my day in general was just a very crappy day due to the weather.  In all that it made me realize no matter what as a human I strive for this new year, that I need to remind myself I will have bad days, at times feel like a failure, but to remember there is always something positive. That sometimes God, stops us in our tracks to reflect and remember that he's still in control. 

Hope you are able to take something in your life that is negatively impacting you and find the positive. 

The Occasionally Chaotic Mom, 

Diedra

I've Come To A Temporary Decision

I love blogging and find enjoyment doing it. I also find enjoyment in reaching out and helping others through things I've gone through or goimg through. I have an Instagram @hopeandlifeafteralll that tells a little about some of my struggles with mental illness and once addiction. I have spoke on getting a blog started to follow with that account and leave this for my occasionally chaotic life but have made a temporary decision that I am going to blog just on this account about everything.

One of my reasoning is as I'm sure you can see I have struggled with posting regular and for 2019 I wanted to make it a mission to change that, so instead of adding another blog account I want to focus on posting here more regular.

My other reason is because my struggles and my past addiction is apart of my chaotic life. At times its the reason I've struggled with consistency on my blog. 

With all that said, I hope you enjoy more from me and my chaotic life. Because a mother of a teenager and one hitting double digits next month, who both have different personalities and a fiance of seven years I definitely have stories to tell.

So if you like buckle up (or ya don't have to buckle up) and enjoy my Occassionally Chaotic Life that even with the struggles I love.

Sincerely The Occasionally Chaotic Mom,
Diedra