I wrote a blog post but never published it, fear I'd be judged more than I am today.
Therefore, I haven't fallen asleep yet and felt the need to update.
On August 24th, I decided to make a change. I for almost 5 years took pain killers to suppress pain in my jaw because I have TMJ. However, two years ago, my pain became more but invisible to the public eye. I have osteoporosis in my left hip, nerve damage in my left leg, and degenerative disc disease. I came in contact with a pain specialist who up my pain meds by 120 a month. I became addicted. I wanted more. But I was taking them for the wrong reasons. I was hiding emotional pain. That emotional pain became unbearable in April 2018 when my dad got sick. I would take more to numb feeling anything. I started having seizures well two to be exact. That left me unresponsive. I miscarried a baby three days after my 33rd birthday. My life was spiraling out of control, and I was losing everyone around me that cared. I didn't feel good enough, I didnt care if I got out of bed. I didn't care who I was hurting. The pain medicine done nothing but tried to kill me and turned me into someone I never said I'd be. I was losing the man I have loved now for almost 7 years. I hit rock bottom I became a person I hated to look at In a mirror. I hated me.
It's now almost a month but it seems so much longer. I'm healing from emotional pain I can't change because I have no control over. My relationship is improving with Ken, my kids, my family, and my friends. I've gotten back to who I once was. I don't crave the pain medicine. I've actually have been in less pain than I was on pain medicine. I haven't been on anxiety medicine for now three days. I'm doing great. I haven't been this happy in a long time.
It took me hitting rock bottom to realize that wasn't my life. Now, I have paid for it. Because through this healing process we've learned that the pain meds have caused damaged to my heart in a way of its taken almost a month to get my blood pressure regulated. Which is a scaring thing because my BP was getting so high, I was in stroke level.
I have learned to love soberly again. I have learned that it's ok to be sad, mad, angry, or emotional. That I am human and everyone has a bad day. I've also learned that it's ok to hurt for others and show empathy but to understand that it isn't my problem to dwell on. I've also learned it's ok to say no.
I've learned that I'd never willing invite a thief into my home. Therefore, I've no longer am allowing thoughts to steal my joy and make permanent residency in my mind.
I want to thank those who took time out to read this, who have sent encouraging words, and who have been there. I want to thank the good Lord for sparing my life, and helping me threw this because without him I wouldn't have made it this far. As well as for Ken, he's my biggest support. Through this he never stopped loving me and caring that I'd wake up and get off them to make things right.
Before I go I want to apologize to Ken, because through this all love conquered all, I done this for myself because the love this man has given finally showed me I am good enough to be loved and to be alive for our kids, our families, and friends.
Sincerely
Diedra
