Mental Illness

Mental illness disorders, yes there is a wide range of disorders that are labeled as a mental illness, but it affects your mood, the way you think, and your behavior. A lot of times people who suffer with a mental illness disorder doesn't notice it. It a lot of times are often seen by outsiders looking in.  Its not some sick disease you can catch from someone and it affects people differently than others.  What I am about to share is my struggles with mental illness along with my own opinion. My opinion alone may shock you.

As a teenager I was diagnosed simply with bipolar. Back then I wasn't medicated because mine was affected more by hormone change, I was young, and in all honesty was told suck it up. Which ultimately in the end helped me more than it harmed me.  After that it was never really spoke of. Until I had my daughter at 20 years old, and I suffered horribly with post partum depression until I was diagnosed by a psychologist as to having post partum blues. I had it almost a year and a half. It took anti-depressants and counseling to help see my way through a very dark hole. Mental Illness doesn't discriminate against anyone. Neither does, addiction (I have touched on that a little on my blog, but willing to open up more about it.) However, after my counseling and anti-depressants I became "normal" again but I would experience moments where I could feel sad but have no reason why. I had moments where I hated everything around me but no reason why.  I have moments, doesn't mean I am depressed all the time. Matter of fact, I have been diagnosed recently with Mild Manic Bipolar Depression due to environmental changes, it is controlled tho. I don't take medicine for it, I chose not to this time, because unlike some people I've learned how to cope with it. I know when it's coming on, I can feel it. I lose motivation to do anything, I lose the desire to want to get out of my house.  But with that being said. I will say that I suffer more with it in the winter time.  That's why it's due to environmental changes. It's because for example days like today where it's dreary, wet, cold, miserable outside. I become irritable, it's like come on mother nature I need some sun light.  But it doesn't affect me horribly until we start getting FRIGID temperatures, and we get tons of snow and ice. Where, I am from, that don't happen often but the years it does, it happens all winter long to the point I become trapped. I don't like feeling trapped.  That's where I get to wanting to feel something, I become manic. I want to get out. I want to do anything in my power to feel something. But just because I have this diagnosis doesn't mean I suffer everyday with it, some people do. I'm lucky enough I suffer rarely with my depression but I do suffer with general anxiety . 

I get anxious out of no where because nothing seems to be going as planned.  My biggest trigger tho, is my kids, there where abouts, if it's storming and making sure everything is in place in case something happens. It' sucks during times like that, but I make it through it. 

I do however feel like an oddball because I experience depression and mental illness differently than what you usually hear with those that suffer. 

Now, its time to get a few things done and get ready to go get my son from school later. 

The Occasionally Chaotic Mom

Diedra

I've Made A Decision

For months now something has weighed heavy on my heart, after months of thought processing I have decided that I am finally gonna do what I feel I was put on this earth to do.

I want to help people who have struggled/ struggles with mental illness and addiction.

I want people who do struggle with mental illness that its ok not to be ok. Its ok to get help.

I took my first step last night and started an Instagram page called Hope & Life After All. However, I will keep this blog for you guessed it our crazy chaotic lives. But within the next few weeks will start a new blog to go with my Instagram page. Once up and running I will post the links with this blog.

My hope is for one day that mental illness doesn't make a person feel ashamed.

2019 is gonna be my year.
2019 is gonna the year that finally shines light on people being a human. 

I'm declaring now in Jesus Name 2019 will be my year.

Love Always,

The Occassionally Chaotic Mom

Diedra

Where have I been?

To be honest I haven't been anywhere but have been going through a lot. I have so much going on that deep down it stole my motivation, my drive, my love for anything.  

Tuesday July 12th, 2016 I finally broke. I had enough. I have always struggled with depression. Usually it's seasonal depression. Meaning during some seasons I get depressed. Honestly it is usually just winter time. But in the last few weeks it has been summer. If it isn't the heat keeping you cooped up to think about all your stress and worries it's mosquitos carrying you away. Tuesday I finally broke. I cried more than I have in years. But it was good for me to do so. I needed it.  I cried because I was tired of fighting all the stress. Tired of seeing the mountainous piles of clothing in my house that somewhere down the line I let go.  I also am tired of hurting. I have issues with my back after my pregnancy with Brayden. He damaged my sciatic nerve. Well this last week due to added stress and more stress added learning I lost my insurance coverage. I had to transfer my medicine to somewhere cheaper. I do take tramadol. It helps with the pain to be able to walk. But due to transferring wasn't able to get it filled until today.  And even though it helps with the physical pain. I do struggle with stress emotionally.  I mean by that is, Ken works I budget and pay the bills. Something k use to be great at. To some where down the line I let get away from me. Although we are trying to catch up. It seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

But it's 11:33 pm, I'm tired and ready for bed. I'm gonna smoke one last cig to make sure Ry or Bray doesn't come wake me up. Because Lord knows it seems the minute I am passed out asleep here comes one if not both, 

Night. 

 

Come back ya hear. 

*remember if you know someone battling with depression and although it's a daily battle remember their bad days are horrible. Sometimes leaving them to believe that they are better off dead.  Suicide is probably one of the number one causes of deaths in people with depression whose bad days seemed to never end. Whether it be one "bad" day or many. Depression is a horrible disease and in most cases is treatable. And in a lot of cases all someone needed was someone to talk to. To make them believe that their bad day is just that a bad day. * 

Depression

Considering the recent death of Robin Williams, depression seem to be a good topic.

Depression isn't just a take a pill feel better kind of disease. Depression controls your life. EVERY aspect of it.  Everyone handles it different. People struggle years with it. In Williams case it got the very best of him.  In my case I healed. But it was a strong struggle. I advocate on depression. I help a lending hand, I sit and talk to people. Why? Because when I was 20 years old I struggled with  postpartum depression.  I myself often heard the question Why? To this day I couldn't tell you why. I had a brand new beautiful red head little girl, a family that supported me, and I has friends come in left and right. So why be depressed?  Depression is a disease/ illness that takes over your mind in my opinion. It's like it trains your thoughts to think these off the wall things. It makes you feel worthless. All I wanted to do was die. Also with PPD not all people want the child dead. In my case I never had thoughts oh hurting my child but my thoughts were wanting me dead. I hated life and the medicine doesn't take the pain away. It numbs it but everything is still there in the morning when you wake up. 

I struggled for a year nearly with this to the point I was being diagnosed with postpartum blues.  My end was in sight. My parents suggested counseling. I did counseling for nearly a month and half. I got all a long what I needed and that was a stranger to just listen and understand what I was feeling wasn't truly what I wanted to feel. She gave me advice on healing not her opinion.  Truthfully that's all someone wants is someone to listen not someone to tell them oh your fine you'll feel better in a few days. Because in reality that's what you wanted but your mind fought you. I didn't ask for this to take over me. I had a daughter for almost a year I missed her life because I struggled with this crippling disease/illness.  My daughter turn one. My healing began. I put everything in Gods hand. I'll never forget that feeling of that prayer. I told God that I have fought hard for something for a year now. It was then I started to heal. I started to see the light and day. My purpose was to be a mom. She was and still is my life along with her little brother.

My beautiful little red head will be 9 years old in just a matter of days. I haven't missed a beat of her life since healing from PPD. I never want to have to struggle with that. I never want to have to miss out on my children's life because my body and mind controlled every aspect of my life. I wanted to be free and after time I was free.

For those that have never gone through depression and I mean full blown depression please don't judge those who have. Instead lend a helping hand, lend an ear.  Don't face them with your problems give them your shoulder to lean on. Because you will be really surprised to find out exactly what just being there for someone can do for them.

Robin Williams, committed suicide, but in the end he wasn't in his right mind. Depression took over, the wandering thoughts of being dead got the best of him.

If you or anyone that you know is suffering from depression there is help out there.  When time permitting I will find the hot line numbers.

But in the mean time, if you just need someone to listen who has gone through it please shoot me an email.

dedep2013@hotmail.com